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dailyproblemsleuth · 10 months ago

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Problem Sleuth, page 1,478

Recap Part 2!

THE DEVIL is touching up a few notes on his SULPHURIC TABLATURE. He documents a tale which was last updated in the TOME OF WAYFARING SOULS by a now rather preoccupied Death. When Death had finished his last entry, DMK had just exposed his second face, Team Sleuth had invoked their GAMBIT SCHEMAS, HD and NB had begun wandering through the SLEAZY BROTHEL IN THE SKY, and AD was embarking upon a game of LIFE with DEATH. It is that game where we pick up again.

The match began as a friendly one but became quickly reduced to a series of boorish tactics by AD, who stole all of Death's money while he was distracted. They pursued each other in their GAME PIECES, but AD struck a defenseless woman who was crossing the street. AD pleaded with Death to spare her life, but Death was nowhere to be seen. Miraculously, the woman survived, and then AD and WIFEHEARST became married.

With WIFEHEARST, AD sired the adorable SONHEARST. As a family they enjoyed years of peaceful, prosperous life, as AD built an empire on various illicit LEGITIMATE ESTABLISHMENTS. This activity caught the prying eye of some THUGS, who were none too pleased with AD muscling in on their boss's racket.

One day while taking a walk, AD's family was gunned down by the THUGS. AD AUTO-PARRIED a bullet to save SONHEARST, but WIFEHEARST was not so lucky and perished. This prompted the surviving family to seek vengeance as vigilantes. They became BATHEARST and PUNISHER DICK. Unfortunately the WHEEL OF LIFE had different plans for them. Rather than fighting crime, they would be heading WEST to the open frontier.

Tragically, BATHEARST drowned while they attempted to ford the river in their wagon. AD was inconsolable with grief and wandered the countryside, heartbroken and alone. Eventually he found a GUN underneath a TREE STUMP and shot himself.

With each successive misfortune befalling AD, DMK's EMOTIONS level increased, causing him to be susceptible to physical attacks. This allowed PS to inflict major damage through his GAMBIT SCHEMA -> CANDY CORN VAMPIRE, with its heightened attributes such as increased strength, endurance, and VAMPIRE FASTNESS.

His first move was to invoke COMBAT OPERANDI -> ARMISTYX, summoning Death, who was called away from his game of Life with AD. Death gave PS his SCYTHE to wield against DMK. PS utilized the SCYTHE in its various forms, culminating with the A-BOMB SCYTHE, completely wiping out one of DMK's two health meters, and well as permanently destroying the SCYTHE much to Death's sorrow.

Concurrently to this battle, HD and NB were trapped in the BROTHEL, equipped with a couple of special CORSETS. They were confronted with a very large FAN PLUG which they needed to find a way to plug in for some reason. This lead them on a journey through the brothel which involved conducting sultry performances in a series of PRIVATE BOOTHS, which involved using items on hand to either remove a small MURAL from a wall, or conceal it with a coat of paint, or generally deface it in a rather seductive fashion.

The performances were much to the delight of three GENTLEMAN, a MANNERLY HIGHBROW, a DAPPER SWAIN, and a CHURLISH TOFF, who each sat in their respective coin-operated viewing booths. Once the coin-op slot's time had expired, or became disabled in some way, the WINDOW no longer served to display the other side of the booth. Instead the windows served as portals to various TRUCKS, including a BREAD TRUCK, a CHEESE TRUCK, and a HAM TRUCK, and allowed someone to either exit the rear of the truck, or enter the cabin of the truck, depending on which side of the booth one enters from. This rear exit/cabin entrance polarity was controlled by a series of SWITCHES on the ceiling just out side the booths, accessible only to one with a significant HEIGHT attribute.

NB used these portals to thread the FAN PLUG through them, and out the backs of their corresponding trucks. Stepping through the differently shaped portals, as well as making adjustments to her ASPECT CORSET, served to modify her proportions as well as her VIM attribute, which was at times useful for carrying the plug. She also helped the Highbrow to drive the BREAD TRUCK, while HD also drove the CHEESE TRUCK with the Swain to various destinations to facilitate the threading process, at one point threading the cord through the eye of the HAM NEEDLE.

Finally, they used the HAM TRUCK to deliver the FAN PLUG to the GUTTERPIPE PROJECTS, and fed it through the pipe and out the lens of the MOTION PICTURE PROJECTOR, which projected the plug at a normal scale which could fit into an outlet, and projected HD and NB at a diminutive scale. HD used her SCALE BODICE to bring her scale back to normal, and entered the door of MM's STUDIO. NB remained small, and simply walked through the MOUSE HOLE with the plug.

In the STUDIO, NB used her corset to become very tall to plug in the fan. The outlet however supplied no power, since it was controlled by a SWITCH in the DOLLHOUSE ATTIC. HD encountered an enraged MM. NB then entered the FOYER of the DOLLHOUSE, and then entered the STUDIO from the other side, with her dimensions restored to normal. HD and NB clashed with MM using their weapons of burlesque seduction on the Madame.

Meanwhile, FAD had grown tired of the stuggle with DMK and decided to go mess up MK's fort directly. He rode it like a MECHANICAL BULL and promptly crushed it with his impressive WEIGHT attribute. This sparked a wild chase through the greater facility, sending them down the DUMBWAITER SHAFT, into the SPEAKEASY, crashing through the SPEAKEASY FLOOR, into the SPEAKEASY again while shattering an OBOE, and out the exit AND into MK's LEGITIMATE ESTABLISHMENT.

They exited this establishment to find themselves on WHORE ISLAND, with a view of the CLOCK TOWER OF CARTESIAN ALIGNMENT, whose hands crept toward the strike of the WITCHING HOUR. SPEAKEASY PATRONS loitered in a crowd while DMK tried to blend in by swapping HATS with a nearby gentleman. FAD eventually discovered him, in the process thefting a TOPHAT from a man, leaving him HATLESS.

The two entered the SLEAZY BROTHEL, through the THEATER, and fought their way through MM'S STUDIO where HD, NB and MM were just about to clash. They fought their way through the DOLLHOUSE FOYER, and then into the PANTRY where they continued the struggle by the LAZY SUSAN OF ENDOWMENT.

Meanwhile, the following more tangential events transpired:

On the deck of the CHICAGO OVERCOAT, PI inched toward a large ANCHOR, hampered by his FRANKENSTEIN SLOWNESS.

At the behest of PS earlier, FOUR HEROES from the KINGDOMS climbed the 66,666 levels in the CATHEDRAL OF SYNDETIC ASCENSION, besting foes along the way.

The Dapper Swain found his way through the PROJECTOR, and was crushed by MK's careless foot. He recovered though to give a valiant peeping effort through his PERSONAL GAWCULAR LENS. Eventually, all three GENTLEMEN would end up in MM'S STUDIO in a diminutive state.

After suffering a series of attacks, MM retreated into the DOLLHOUSE FOYER to equip her CORSET. She discovered it had been stolen though. Her assailants pursued her, and she fought back using her SKELETON BRUSH and PALETTE.

On the ship, an IMPETUS COMB was completed just as PI reached the ANCHOR. He was about to use a pretty lame COMB RAVE that possibly involved an achor, when MK swapped SUCKLE RECEPTACLES in the PANTRY to steal the rave for DMK. DMK then used his ridiculously powerful attack, FILL 'EM WITH DAYLIGHT. PI dropped the ANCHOR overboard, hooked it on to the CATHEDRAL, causing the ship to swing around out of range of the attack just in time.

DMK's attack ripped the UNIVERSE in half, exposing the EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL COSMIC SUPERSTRING STRATA. Meanwhile the FOUR HEROES reached the top of the CATHEDRAL, which had also split in half, and they remained suspended in the middle. GPI seeing his creation in peril, was spurred to rare action to repair the damage. He invoked DEUS EX SEWING MACHINA, picked up the HAM NEEDLE with the FAN CORD threaded through it, and affixed it to his SEWING MACHINA. He sewed his creation back together, stretching the cord across the entire length of the UNIVERSE, and depositing the HAM NEEDLE back where it was.

The FOUR HEROES, having floated to the other side of the CATHEDRAL, together turned a CRANK, which caused the cathedral's eye to zoom into the face of the CLOCK TOWER, which was at the strike of midnight, locally known as the WITCHING HOUR. This revealed the very large CHRONOSCOPE OF AXIAL CONJUGATION extending from the eye, pointing at the distant clock.

At the strike of the WITCHING HOUR, PS, who was manning the ship's WHEEL, noticed that the wheel in fact served as a viewport from the clock's vantage. He simply reached into the wheel, reached across the great void of space, and plucked the CHRONOSCOPE from the CATHEDRAL, and pulled it out of the wheel as a normal-sized telescope, deactivating the WHEEL in the process.

He threw the CHRONOSCOPE to the highly immobile PI, who then affixed the scope to his SNIPER RIFLE, which caused the CLOCK TOWER to transform into the CLOCK TOWER SNIPER CANNON, a weapon operated from afar by the SNIPER RIFLE itself. He used the cannon to deal a great deal of damage to DMK, all of which was rapidly regenerated. But the salvo over time released enough PANG NECTAR to produce three very large IMPETUS COMBS, the three biggest ones, dwarfed only by the eighth and final comb yet to be prepared.

The three combs were applied to the following characters and their corresponding COMB RAVES.

HD: COMB RAVE -> ROLLING THUNDER

NB: COMB RAVE -> HIGHLY FLAMMABLE CASE OF THE VAPORS

PFPI+FFPI: COMB RAVE -> TEMPORAL REPLICOLLISION

The first two were used in tandem in the final stand versus MM, completely defeating her. She wound up in the AFTERLIFE, where she and others would be cajoled by Death to play a variety of games. Other characters would arrive in the AFTERLIFE in this manner over the greater course of events, including WIFEHEARST and BATHEARST who died in the game of LIFE as previously described.

Also winding up in the AFTERLIFE would be FAD, when during his scuffle in the PANTRY, MK swallowed him whole by reversing his BELLY OF THE WHALE attack on him through the method of EXTORSION. This caused MK to absorb FAD's essence and become FMK, a much larger, heavier version of himself.

It had also become apparent that MK was the one who stole MM's corset, the GRAVITY BRASSIER, as he was wearing it at the time of this incident. To restore his former size, he simply pulled on the VOLUME DRAWSTRINGS to decrease his volume. This concentrated his weight to a smaller patch of the floor, which he caused to collapse and fall through. He landed underneath the DOLLHOUSE TABLE, beneath which the three diminutively sized GENTLEMEN had gathered.

The FOUR HEROES would eventually gather there as well, as they had since ascended/descended the other side of the CATHEDRAL to the city streets, and jumped through the PROJECTOR. This group eventually included all of the SPEAKEASY PATRONS after the WITCHING HOUR expired, including a HATLESS MAN who managed to obtain the INK OF SQUID PRO QUO for later ill-advised consumption.

After slaying MM, HD and NB acquired the SKELETON KEY to unlock the door to the upper floors. They ascended, freeing several WHORES, and recovering BEN STILLER'S SUNGLASSES. They reached the ATTIC and flipped the SWITCH, supplying power to the outlet. The FAN however did not receive power right away, since the electric current now needed to travel the entire length of the UNIVERSE, a journey which would take LIGHT approximately 32 BILLION YEARS round trip, and would take current through a copper wire even longer.

Below the DOLLHOUSE TABLE, the GENTLEMEN aggressed FMK foppishly, which caused him tighten his GRAVITY BRASSIER to increase his MASS while decreasing his VOLUME, augmenting his gravitational pull overall. This pull caused HD, NB and the liberated WHORES to fall through the floors and under the table, where they, the GENTLEMEN, and the FOUR HEROES would battle what had become DMMK.

They fought DMMK to no avail, as his gravitational field absorbed each attack. The Highbrow playfully used the small kingpin with his LV. 4 HOOPTECH -> DMMK KATAMARI BALL, and began rolling up everyone in the room into a ball, stuck together by his gravitational field. Angered, DMMK pulled his drawstrings even further, increasing his mass and falling through the bottom of WHORE ISLAND altogether. The jumble of characters fell through the sky for some time while below the others dueled with DMK.

ZAD used COMBAT OPERANDI -> CHECK YO'SELF JONAH to summon a WHALE, which he commanded as a mount. It was quickly shot by the SNIPER CANNON. ZAD and the whale fell onto a PRISON BUILDING below, where the whale died on the roof, while ZAD crashed through numerous floors and became trapped in a cell with a PRISONER. Eventually, ZAD, the whale and the prisoner wound up in the AFTERLIFE too.

PFPI used the penultimate COMB RAVE, TEMPORAL REPLICOLLISION, in conjunction with his future self FFPI, who finally appeared from FPI's previous use of TEMPORAL REPLICSIMILE. The two accelerated through the TRAFFIC LIGHT PORTALS and collided together, intersecting with DMK. This attack depleted the remainder of DMK's health and caused him to descend. It also killed PFPI and FFPI in the process, and the PART-PICKLE COLLISION created the short-lived HIGGS BONEHEAD in the process.

Meanwhile everyone in the AFTERLIFE was developing the habit of coming and going through DEATH'S DOOR at will, much to the dismay of Death. It was at this point when AD shot himself in the game of LIFE, emerged from the game unharmed, and reunited with his family, which set DMK's EMOTIONS to be maxed out in time to be dealt massive damage by the REPLICOLLISION.

The cluster of people falling with DMMK eventually landed in the game of LIFE on DMK's HAT. All characters except for DMMK exited LIFE'S DOOR, opposite DEATH'S DOOR, for a large reunion with the deceased characters on top of the HAT.

PS turned the ship's WHEEL causing the large BARREL to fall and bounce of PI's head, down to the VULNERABULB below. It struck the bulb, depleting DMK's SPUNK MYRRH. The bulb closed, DMK ascended and soon revealed his third and final face. PI's GAMBIT SCHEMA finally wore off when the RIPENESS ATTRIBUTE was finally depleted, completely rotting the SCHEMA PUMPKIN, which may never have existed in the first place anyway.

DMMK in the game of LIFE pulled his drawstrings hard enough to collapse into a BLACK HOLE, becoming BHMK. BHMK sucked in his two groveling thugs, the entire game of LIFE, all the characters on the HAT (sans Death, MM, the whale, the Bonehead, and all imaginary PIs, who obediently remained in the afterlife). LIFE'S DOOR and DEATH'S DOOR were sucked in too.

They all landed on top of BHMK'S HAT inside the BLACK HOLE, greeted by the DEMIMONDE GODDESS and 1000 COURTESAN ANGELS, with no apparent means of escape.

DMK's new form quickly ensnared PS and PI in his BRIER OF CRUELTY. PS had recently obtained the INK OF SQUID PRO QUO dropped by the HATLESS MAN, but has yet to discover a weapon to wield against DMK.

In space looms the biggest comb of all, nearing completion. Orbiting it is a MOON, about which itself orbits the CANDY MECHA LEGS, which support the precious CAPTAIN SNOOP BUST.

Also, on GPI's instruction, PPI, FPI, PFPI, and FFPI just became all the subatomic particles that ever existed in the universe, and always comprised every character and every physical location all along.

The Devil wonders why he's even bothering with this useless exercise in the self-evident.

Author commentary: Should I recap all my author notes down here while I'm at it? Author notes recap: I said hundreds of incredibly sassy things about my comic in the bottom margins over the course of five books. Some people laughed, others didn't. The end. If you rip out all the recap pages of the PS books and staple them together, that is actually the official Problem Sleuth travel edition. I personally think the recaps in MSPA are quite humorous for a lot of really subtle reasons. The biggest one being that they seem to strongly imply all this stuff is actually important. Like you're reviewing the material for a final exam or something. There aren't many types of physical profiles in the Problem Sleuth universe. For instance, the devil is built like AD. Most beings who are notable as individuals are based on the PS, AD, or PI models. Hell, even the women are too.

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thestalkerbunny · 4 years ago

Note

Do you have headcanons for the midnight crew and the problem sleuth characters?

BOY DO I

Sleuth: Sleuth is just Spencer Shay from Icarly. He tries to fix something, it's gonna catch on fire. He has all these weird resources for things from weird people he meets. He went to law school for 3 days before he quit. Which is why he knows so much about the legal system but chooses the rought and tumble hard boiled life style of a detective. His mother is still very dissapointed that her son fucking went and did that.

Pickles: Our dear inspector looks like that because the fact he's essentially imaginatively split in several different directions-one of which is becoming the entirety of the god that gazes over everything-takes a crippling toll on his body. So not to think too heavily about the sheer staggering mind blowing-ness of it all, he drinks profusely. If the Inspector were to be killed, things would go very very badly for the rest of the world as essentially god has lost the aspect of him that gives him that intimate touch and connection with the rest of man kind and to lose that would result in a god that simply would no longer have the ability to care nor fondly regard creation in anyway. Pickles is to this World what Snowman is, in a strange way. Connected to everything is this shoddy shoddy hobo of a man who forgets to eat and sleep and if he dies, we're all fucking screwed beyond belief. (Unrelated, My most favorite thing in the world was some Fic I read where he got caught in his office trying to balance a fidget spinner on his nose and that just tickled me so much. I love it when he's a stupid stupid goofy silly man. This man is god and he's balancing a fidget spinner on his nose.)

Ace: Although I know the part where he had a kid and wife while playing the game of Life with Death in the comic was a thing, It just amuses me greatly the idea of Ace being the only married man in the whole group as well as the only one who is a dad. Grumpy short Ace has this tall leggy blonde bombshell who is his wife and Sleuth and Pickles are still trying to figure out how he did that. What fucking black magic did you pull for this woman to bring you your lunch, who is she and when did you hire her she cannot be your wife. Pickles is not a fan of Sonhearst. He makes him very nervous. It's like having a roomba with a knife and it's also dressed up in a ridculous batman costume and will climb to the top of filing cabinants just to jump on top of him. Ace thinks it's hilarious.

Slick: Slick has morals. You just don't know what those morals are ever. He's the embodiment of Chaotic Lawful. You don't know what laws he's exactly following right now, you should be nervous. At the very least you always know where you stand with Slick and that is at the pointy end of a knife. There's no heavy guess work there.

Droog: Droog is a man who keeps telling himself that he is a Professional and Professionals don't do (insert thing here), but he frequently does it anyways. Professionals do not permit themselves to be weak and indulge in the softness required to be a good father-and yet here you are Droog, telling Aradia a bed time story. Professionals don't play 'Cat and Mouse' games with sloppy poorly dressed detectives in lieu of practical flirting and yet HERE YOU ARE DROOG. DOING EXACTLY THAT. Get it the fuck together Droog. He has at least 4 Grey streaks in his hair, one is from dealing with his teenage daughter and the other 3 are just alllllll Slick.

Hearts: Everything that's already canon about Hearts is already so good, he's a very large scary big man who is a romantic and probably reads paper back love novellas, I can't top that, that's top tier shit. He's the dude who politely offers to walk ladies of the evening home with no expectations of anything in return, it is just the gentlemanly thing to do. Local hookers don't have to worry about anything with 6'11 ft of solid muscley intimidation escorting them home. Hearts fucking chugs women respecting juice by the gallon every goddamn morning.

Deuce: on paper he’s so smart. He’s so fucking smart. This man was top of his class before he misused his power and understanding of explosives for evil. But in fucking practice-witnessing everything he says, does, just watching him exist? You’d think he has the IQ standing of a pencil. He could build you a nuclear bomb and at the same time, he’d ask if Candian cars run on maple syrup. God nerfed Clubs Deuce with chronic stupid and the attention span of a guinea pig to keep him from ending the world prematurely.

#TSB Ask #Midnight Crew #Problem Sleuth #Headcanons #Anonymous

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